Finding Your Parenting Power: Understanding How We Connect With Our Children

There's a dance happening in every family – a continuous negotiation of power, boundaries, and connection. As parents, the way we engage in this dance shapes not only our children's development but also their understanding of relationships for years to come.

This week, I'd like to explore three distinct parenting approaches: Power Over, Power Under, and Power With. Understanding these styles can illuminate patterns from our own childhoods and offer insight into our current parenting choices.

Power Over: Structure Without Choice

The Power Over approach is what many would recognize as authoritarian parenting. It prioritizes structure, rules, and compliance above all else.

What it looks like:

- "Because I said so" is the final word

- Rules are non-negotiable and often rigid

- Children's perspectives are rarely considered in decision-making

- Emotional expression may be discouraged or seen as disrespectful

- Discipline focuses on punishment rather than learning

In Power Over homes, children typically know exactly what's expected of them. The boundaries are clear, consistent, and firmly enforced. This structure can provide a sense of security and predictability that children need.

However, without the balance of choice and autonomy, children raised in strictly Power Over environments often struggle to develop their own internal compass. They may become highly compliant but lack confidence in their decision-making abilities. Alternatively, they might rebel strongly once they're able to exercise independence.

Emily reflects: "Growing up, my father's word was law. We never questioned his decisions – not about bedtime, not about activities, not about anything. I always knew exactly what was expected, but I never learned how to make choices for myself. When I got to college, I either followed whatever my friends were doing or swung wildly in the opposite direction, making impulsive decisions because I finally could."

Power Under: Choice Without Structure

At the opposite end of the spectrum is the Power Under approach, often called permissive parenting. This style prioritizes freedom, choice, and autonomy with minimal restrictions.

What it looks like:

- Few rules or consistent expectations

- Children have significant say in family decisions

- Boundaries are flexible or inconsistently enforced

- Natural consequences are the primary teacher

- Parents may position themselves as friends rather than authority figures

In Power Under environments, children enjoy tremendous freedom to explore their preferences and make decisions. This autonomy can foster creativity, independence, and strong self-expression.

The challenge comes with the lack of structure. Without clear boundaries, children may feel insecure or overwhelmed by too many choices without the maturity to handle them. They might struggle with self-regulation and respecting others' boundaries.

Marcus shares: "My parents were very 'go with the flow.' They believed children should express themselves freely and learn from natural consequences. While I appreciate their trust in me, I often felt anxious not knowing what the expectations were. Sometimes I wished someone would just tell me what to do instead of always asking what I wanted. It took me years to develop my own internal structure."

Power With: Choice Within Structure

The Power With approach, which aligns with authoritative or restorative parenting, seeks to balance structure and choice. It recognizes both the parent's responsibility to provide guidance and the child's need for growing autonomy.

What it looks like:

- Clear boundaries with reasonable flexibility

- Collaborative problem-solving when appropriate

- Regular consideration of the child's perspective

- Discipline focused on learning and repair rather than punishment

- Age-appropriate choices within safe parameters

Power With parenting provides the security of structure while honoring children's developing sense of agency. The approach evolves as children mature, gradually expanding their realm of choices while maintaining necessary boundaries.

This balance helps children develop both respect for reasonable limits and confidence in their ability to make good decisions. They learn to navigate freedom responsibly because they've had practice making choices within safe parameters.

Sophia notes: "In our house growing up, there were definitely rules, but my parents explained the reasoning behind them and sometimes adjusted based on our input. For instance, bedtime was firm on school nights, but we could negotiate on weekends. I felt both protected by their boundaries and respected for my growing maturity. Now as a parent, I try to create that same balance – a framework of expectations with room for my children's voices."

Reflecting on Our Patterns

Take a moment to consider:

Which style characterized your childhood home? Perhaps you experienced different styles from different caregivers, or the approach shifted as you grew older. How did this environment shape your relationship to authority, decision-making, and setting your own boundaries?

Which style feels most natural to you as a parent? Many of us default to either reproducing or rejecting the patterns we experienced in childhood. Sometimes we swing between extremes – being rigid in some areas while completely hands-off in others.

How do your children respond to your approach? Different children, even within the same family, may need slightly different balances of structure and choice based on their temperaments and developmental stages.

Moving Toward Power With

If you recognize that you tend toward either Power Over or Power Under approaches, gentle shifts can help you move toward a more balanced Power With style:

If you lean toward Power Over:

- Experiment with offering age-appropriate choices

- Practice explaining the reasoning behind rules

- Create opportunities for collaborative problem-solving

- Notice when your need for control stems from anxiety rather than what your child truly needs

If you lean toward Power Under:

- Identify a few non-negotiable boundaries that reflect your core values

- Practice consistent follow-through on expectations

- Recognize that structure provides security, not just restriction

- Remember that children learn to make good choices through guided practice

The journey toward Power With parenting isn't about perfection. It's about awareness and intentionality – recognizing our patterns and making conscious choices about how we want to share power with our children.

By providing both structure and choice, we teach our children that healthy relationships involve both boundaries and respect for individual needs. This balance not only supports their development today but models the kind of relationships we hope they'll create throughout their lives.

-Katie Speert

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What parenting style did you experience growing up? Which do you find yourself using most often? Share your reflections in the comments below.