When Love and Control Collide: A Mother's Question About Connection

Last week, I started a new cohort inside the jail - 13 women beginning their journey into understanding attachment science, brain science, and nervous system regulation. We were discussing power dynamics in relationships, specifically how we show up with others - whether we operate from "power over" (structure without choice), "power under" (choice without structure), or "power with" (choice within structure).

Then one of the mothers asked a question that stopped the room.

The Question That Changed Everything

"My daughter is 6 years old," she said. "She used to visit me once a month, but lately she's chosen not to come. The people taking care of her on the outside say that's okay - that it's her choice. But I'm her mom. I know what's best for her. I think she needs to know that I'm here, that I love her, that her mom is always here for her. Shouldn't this be a 'structure without choice' situation? Shouldn't she have to visit because I'm her mother?"

The vulnerability in her voice was unmistakable. Here was a mother, separated from her child, grappling with one of the most fundamental questions any parent faces: When does love look like control, and when does it look like letting go?

The Hard Truth About "Always Being There"

I had only minutes left in our session, but I knew this question would expand into the next eight weeks of our work together. I offered what I could in that moment, starting with some difficult realities.

"Your daughter is 6 years old, and her mom is in jail," I said gently. "She might have questions about what it means when you say you're 'always there' for her. She just celebrated her last day of school and came home - and mom wasn't physically there. She might be feeling confused about what 'always there' actually means."

The tears started then. Not because she didn't love her daughter - but because love alone isn't always enough to bridge the gap that incarceration creates.

Validating a Child's Reality

Here's what I suggested to this mother, and what I believe applies to any parent navigating separation from their child:

Your daughter's feelings are valid. All of them. If she feels betrayed, let down, or confused - those feelings are real and deserve to be acknowledged, not dismissed or minimized.

Taking ownership matters more than explaining. Instead of focusing on why the separation happened or how much you love her, start with: "I know this is hard. I know you might have big feelings about where I am right now."

Create space for her truth. Ask questions like: "How does it feel when people say I'm always here for you?" "What would help you feel most connected to me right now?" Listen to her answers without defending or correcting.

The Journey Ahead

As this mother walked out, tears in her eyes, I made her a promise:

"This work will nourish you eventually, but it might hurt first."

"This work will nourish you eventually, but it might hurt first. There might be pain and emotion before we get to the part where you feel seen and supported. But I want you to get there. We're going to strengthen the relationship between you and your daughter - not just with words, but in the way you show up and hold space for all of her feelings about where you are and what that means."

What This Teaches Us About Connection

This mother's question illuminates something crucial about attachment and connection: The intention to love and the impact of that love don't always align.

When we're separated from those we love - whether by incarceration, work, divorce, or other circumstances - we can't force connection through control. We can't demand that our children feel our love just because we express it. True connection happens when we create space for their authentic experience, even when that experience includes pain, disappointment, or anger about our absence.

Moving Forward

Over the next several weeks, this mother and I will work together to explore:

• How to validate her daughter's experience without minimizing her own pain

• Ways to show up authentically in their limited time together

• Strategies for building trust when physical presence is limited

• How to hold space for her daughter's changing needs as she grows

This isn't just about visiting schedules or power dynamics. It's about learning to love in a way that centers the child's emotional safety and authentic experience, even when that feels threatening to our own sense of identity as parents.

An Invitation for Reflection

Whether you're a parent facing separation from your child or simply someone who cares about connection, consider this question: How do you hold space for someone else's authentic experience of your relationship, even when it differs from your own?

Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is step back from our need to be needed and step into curiosity about what the other person actually needs from us.

This mother's courage to ask this question - and her willingness to sit with the discomfort of not having easy answers - is the beginning of deeper, more authentic connection with her daughter.

The work continues next week.

-Katie Speert