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Setting Boundaries with Connection

As parents, we often find ourselves navigating challenging behaviors with our children. Recently, I experienced a powerful reminder about the difference between setting boundaries with control versus setting them with connection and clarity.


My three-year-old had developed a new habit of appearing downstairs in the early morning hours, ready to start his day with some TV time. Like many parents, I initially responded from a place of exhaustion and frustration. "No, go to bed," I stated firmly, thinking a clear directive was the answer. What followed was 45 minutes of tears, resistance, and power struggles – leaving both of us exhausted and our relationship strained.


The next night, when the same situation arose, I took a different approach. Instead of a simple "no," I offered connection alongside the boundary: "It's still nighttime so we aren't going to watch TV right now, but I can't wait to watch with you when it's wake-up time. For now, let's go back to sleep." The difference was remarkable – minimal resistance, a quick return to sleep, and most importantly, a moment of connection rather than conflict.


This experience highlighted a crucial aspect of boundary setting with children: they need to understand the 'why' behind our limits. When children understand the reasoning behind boundaries, they're less likely to feel controlled or frustrated. Instead, they feel informed and respected, even when the answer is still "no."



Key takeaways for setting boundaries with connection:

  1. Acknowledge the desire ("I understand you want to watch TV")

  2. State the boundary clearly ("It's still nighttime so we aren't going to watch TV right now")

  3. Offer future opportunity ("We can watch when it's wake-up time")

  4. Provide an alternative ("For now, let's go back to sleep")


Remember, boundaries aren't about control – they're about creating safe, predictable environments where our children can thrive. When we set limits with connection and explanation, we strengthen our relationship with our children while teaching them valuable life skills.


The next time you need to set a boundary with your child, try pausing and asking yourself: "Am I responding with control or connection?" The answer could make all the difference in both the outcome and your relationship.\


-Katie Speert

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